Monday, January 7, 2013
Rough day...
Having what I call "a rough baby day". One of those days I miss my bean a lot. Even though I never got to meet him, or hold him, he still held a special place in my heart. I think about how pregnant and miserable I would be at this point and I long for that. Being hot, fat, and physically miserable is a lot easier because at the end of all of it I would have something to show for it. Now all I have is an ultrasound pic and a whole in my heart that will never be filled. Tom, Em, and I were so excited to welcome another member to our family and right now I feel like that will never happen. Its been almost 5 months since Bean left us and I still think about him all the time. Some days I can't wait til I get to go to Heaven so I can finally meet the baby I lost. This is such a hard thing to go through. I feel like everyone just brushes it under the rug, and I feel like I should be over it by now. A mother becomes a mom the min she finds out she is pregnant tho, and I feel I had already bonded with Bean, and had so many plans for him that just wasn't meant to be. He wasn't just a baby that never existed..he had a heartbeat that I saw with my own eyes...I saw him move on the US, he was alive, and now isn't. Everyone kept telling me their stories of miscarriage and how they got pg again right after it happened. Here it is 5 months later and I'm still not. It just hurts to see all these people that have no business with a baby get pg just by thinking about it. I try to be patient and know that He has a plan, but sometimes my own agenda and stubbornness blind me. I need to trust in His plan, I need to trust in His plan (repeat over and over).
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Changing things up
So I'm convinced I'm going through a mid-life (maybe third-life) crisis. I have the desire to go get tatted up and I just dyed most of my hair purple. I love it! It's so punk and funky! I feel like a different person now. They say blondes have more fun...obviously those people never had purple hair!!
Friday, December 28, 2012
After Christmas glow
Well we survived another Christmas. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was afraid this one would be hard because I was very much looking forward to being pregnant and buying a gift for my little bean. Seeing Em on Christmas morning made it bearable. She loved all the magical things Santa did and Christmas is just more fun through the eyes of a child. The best part of it all? It snowed here, around 4 inches. It was too cold to go play in it for long, but we got a few minutes of fun in the snow on our White Christmas.
This is the most snow she has see since she was around 1! She's been asking to make snow angels for 2 years now! So glad she got to do this on Christmas. It was pretty magical!
In more depressing news...another month not being pregnant. I'm slowly learning to deal with it and be patient again. The bitterness and anger is subsiding a little. I keep telling myself its going to happen when its supposed to, I shouldn't rush it, God has a plan. But sometimes I really get tired of myself saying this over and over...month after month. 2013 is going to be a good year, I can feel it! I feel like I have a whole list of resolutions to work on...maybe I'll start a whole new blog for that venture so I can keep myself in check...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Innocence of a 4 year old
This has been a rough week. Seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant. I don't wish them to not be pregnant. Its just hard when you see so many people who had no desire to be pg are, yet I'd give anything to be, and seems I can't. Also isn't helping that I am late, have sore boobs, yet the couple of tests I have taken are negative. At this point I just wish my monthly friend would show up and be done all ready.
Em keeps talking about her baby sister. It's kinda freaking me out. I keep telling her she may not have a baby sis/bro at all or she may end up with a brother. She insists she is going to have a baby sister. Maybe I need to take a cue from her innocence and keep the faith!
On a positive note all my grades are in, I ended up with 3 As and a C. That C is probably the grade I am most proud of. I started out Cost Accting with a 43% on the first test and the fact I brought that up to a C with only 3 tests makes me happy because that isn't an easy class! And did I mention that the 2nd week of class I had a missed miscarriage and still kept going to class? Yeah I'm either insane or hardcore...but its over now
Em keeps talking about her baby sister. It's kinda freaking me out. I keep telling her she may not have a baby sis/bro at all or she may end up with a brother. She insists she is going to have a baby sister. Maybe I need to take a cue from her innocence and keep the faith!
On a positive note all my grades are in, I ended up with 3 As and a C. That C is probably the grade I am most proud of. I started out Cost Accting with a 43% on the first test and the fact I brought that up to a C with only 3 tests makes me happy because that isn't an easy class! And did I mention that the 2nd week of class I had a missed miscarriage and still kept going to class? Yeah I'm either insane or hardcore...but its over now
Saturday, December 15, 2012
It has been a while...
Can't believe how long it has been since I blogged...and how much has happened since then. As always I tend to turn to blogging when I'm having a rough time. Putting thoughts on paper the computer helps me deal with them. Right now is no exception. I think I'm going to devote more time to blogging and instead of waiting until the new year I'm going to start now. No time like the present huh? And who isn't interested in the mad ravings of a full time college student/mother/Army wife?
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I lost a best friend bc of a completely absurd accusation with no foundation whatsoever, went to Vegas for an adult vacation, moved to Oklahoma, started a new college, sent my little girl off to her first daycare/preschool, started a new endeavor by selling 31, got pregnant, said goodbye to my little bean at almost 10 wks, had my "baby" turn 4 and finished the semester anyway with 3 As, and a possible B/C (grades aren't posted yet). Thats just the "highlights" really. And that's where we are now...
I have just finished my first semester at Cameron U. The semester got off to a rocky start and I'm just proud of myself for finishing and passing all my classes. The fact that I got As in 3/4 of my classes is a fact I am very proud of. Still waiting on the grade for Cost Accounting to be posted though...ugh.
I have so much I want to type right now, but I'm just not sure I am ready to share those feelings with the whole world, or the few people who read my blog...so you must wait til next time
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I lost a best friend bc of a completely absurd accusation with no foundation whatsoever, went to Vegas for an adult vacation, moved to Oklahoma, started a new college, sent my little girl off to her first daycare/preschool, started a new endeavor by selling 31, got pregnant, said goodbye to my little bean at almost 10 wks, had my "baby" turn 4 and finished the semester anyway with 3 As, and a possible B/C (grades aren't posted yet). Thats just the "highlights" really. And that's where we are now...
I have just finished my first semester at Cameron U. The semester got off to a rocky start and I'm just proud of myself for finishing and passing all my classes. The fact that I got As in 3/4 of my classes is a fact I am very proud of. Still waiting on the grade for Cost Accounting to be posted though...ugh.
I have so much I want to type right now, but I'm just not sure I am ready to share those feelings with the whole world, or the few people who read my blog...so you must wait til next time
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Promises
A fellow army wife I know posted this on her facebook. I have no idea where she got it, but it's awesome. Everything in it is so true...and thanks Sara for thinking of me when you read the part about everything going wrong in the same week ;).
A Soldier's Promise ...
I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.
I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.
But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.
An Army Wife's promise ...
I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won't be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.
But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.
I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.
I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.
But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.
An Army Wife's promise ...
I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won't be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.
But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Silver Lining
I've been thinking about this blog for a while, but have hesitated for fear of what people might think of me. Then I remembered I don't really care what people think of me, because this blog is all in fun, and a part of army wife humor. I'm going to start a list of things that make me "happy" Tom is deployed. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade all this for my husband to be home. Let's face it though, he's gone, I can't change that, we all know I like to see the positive in a situation...so lets examine the "Silver Linings of Deployment". I plan on adding to this list as the year goes by, so check in often for more. (P.S. Tom has mentioned his own silver linings too, like sleeping in and not having to do laundry or dishes)
- My favorite thing about deployments is how excited I can get over just seeing my husband. I don't know many people that after 7 years of marriage have an appreciation for such little things like we do. We get a first date, a first hug, all those firsts all over again when he gets home.
- 2 words: Deployment Pay! Credit cards get paid off, money gets saved...it's a win/win
- If I don't feel like shaving my legs, I don't have to. No one sees them.
- I can go to bed at 8 pm without having to worry about missing out on precious time with Tom
- I get the whole bed to myself.
- If I want to eat oreos in bed while watching Desperate Housewives no one judges me, nor knows about it
- Cheaper water bills
- I can watch whatever I want on TV
- No conflicting parenting decisions
- A LOT LESS laundry
- A LOT LESS dishes
- If I have a lazy day, I don't have to worry about the house (or me) being clean when Tom gets off work
- I ALWAYS lose weight
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
It's a brownie kind of day
I was fully prepared to sit down and write a blog soon about how I think I've finally gotten into my groove of this deployment. I was driving down the road the other day and thought, you know what I've got a handle on this, and it's only a year. I've done this before and I can certainly do it again. Then out of the blue, just had one of the "those days". Everything makes me wanna cry, I don't know how I'm going to get thru this, I was super depressed all day, and a year seems SO long today.
It's like walking into a door frame. You know its there, but somehow you just can't seem to sidestep it, and BAM! there it is. It hurts so bad you're sure you broke something. And just like that feeling, I know I'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling so stupid for letting myself 1) not see this day coming eventually, and 2) let it get me down so bad, for a pain I know won't last too long.
Thats just the way deployments work for me. I feel so strong and confident for weeks at a time, and then all of a sudden for no reason I have a bad day and I feel like I'm done for and can't go on, the days feel like weeks, and weeks like months. Then I wake up the next day just fine and in kicking-butt form, which is how I hope I wake up tomorrow.
It's like walking into a door frame. You know its there, but somehow you just can't seem to sidestep it, and BAM! there it is. It hurts so bad you're sure you broke something. And just like that feeling, I know I'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling so stupid for letting myself 1) not see this day coming eventually, and 2) let it get me down so bad, for a pain I know won't last too long.
Thats just the way deployments work for me. I feel so strong and confident for weeks at a time, and then all of a sudden for no reason I have a bad day and I feel like I'm done for and can't go on, the days feel like weeks, and weeks like months. Then I wake up the next day just fine and in kicking-butt form, which is how I hope I wake up tomorrow.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"Friday Night"
Im having a good day, not emotional at all, but I miss Tom so much. This house just doesn't feel the same when he's gone. I imagine I miss him more tonight because it's my "friday night" so I can stay up late and not have to worry about homework or getting up tomorrow morning, but what's the point? It's also snowing and I made a big crock pot full of chili, so I just want to curl up under a blanket and snuggle with my honey. And since it's snowing I'm willing to bet he would have had tomorrow off. We could have spent all day playing with Em and enjoying a fire.
I really need to stop thinking about what we could be doing together, we aren't living that life right now. The first month is just a rough trasition period getting used to him not being here at all. It probably doesn't help I've only talked to him for about 45 mins the entire time he's been gone. Oh well tomorrows another day right? Em and I are gonna sit around, watch movies, eat chili with the neighbors and possibly go play in some snow, er ice pellets.
I really need to stop thinking about what we could be doing together, we aren't living that life right now. The first month is just a rough trasition period getting used to him not being here at all. It probably doesn't help I've only talked to him for about 45 mins the entire time he's been gone. Oh well tomorrows another day right? Em and I are gonna sit around, watch movies, eat chili with the neighbors and possibly go play in some snow, er ice pellets.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Still trying...
I decided while txting with friends that tonight I was putting a stop to the crying. It didn't matter how sad I was tears were not leaving these eyes tonight. People kept telling me I just needed to get it out and then I'd feel better. Well I let it out...alot, and was still feeling like I could cry all night every night. Wasn't working for me. No matter what hit me tonight I wasn't gonna cry.
So far so good friends! I actually feel a lot better, and Em seemed a lot more calm at bedtime. Let's just hope it keeps up for both us bc I need a really good night's sleep
Apparently I was allowing myself to feel too much, which is why I'm having a harder time with #3. The last 2 I have just shut down. I'm not saying I won't be crying tomorrow, but this is a start and one day at a time.
Time for some sleepytime tea and my book; gonna make some "me" time
So far so good friends! I actually feel a lot better, and Em seemed a lot more calm at bedtime. Let's just hope it keeps up for both us bc I need a really good night's sleep
Apparently I was allowing myself to feel too much, which is why I'm having a harder time with #3. The last 2 I have just shut down. I'm not saying I won't be crying tomorrow, but this is a start and one day at a time.
Time for some sleepytime tea and my book; gonna make some "me" time
Trying...
I don't know what it is about 5ish o'clock every night that gets me. I went to bed last night after sobbing my eyes out and felt sooo much better. When I woke up this morning I was exhausted, yet felt strong. Now here it is almost 5 and I feel like I'm gonna have another really hard cry again tonight. I don't ever remember weeping THIS much. In fact, I didn't even know I could cry so much so many days in a row. It was so bad last night I went to take a shower, and got as far as getting undressed before I totally broke down. Yes, I was crying as hard as I could barely wrapped in a towel laying on the bathroom floor. Man, I never saw THAT in the deployment brochure!
Today was the first day back to reality. Of course I would pick the coldest/iciest day of the season to get back out there. It really made it hard to get up at 5 am and leave the house and put on a happy strong face. However, I do feel a tad, and the tad is a stretch, better. When I go out in public right now though I almost feel agoraphobic. I can't wait to get back to my little house of safety. Everyday is a step in the right direction, right?
Everytime Tom calls I've just gotten done sobbing and just fallen asleep. So the 2 times I've actually talked to him haven't been very exciting, and can't say I remember much of the conversation. I feel bad for him because I'm sure he wants to hear that I'm doing just fine and going on, but I can't give him that at the moment. I don't know how the man does it...leaving everything he has to fight a war. I grow more and more respect for him every second.
Em's doing pretty well. She talks about daddy, asks where he is from time to time, and even expresses when she's sad. It's heartbreaking to me, but I'm so proud she kind of understands, and can talk about her emotions (as much as a 2 year old can). She was just listening to one of the recorded books; a part of me wanted to cry, but then again it was so good to hear his voice filling the living room. It seemed to brighten up the place a bit
Today was the first day back to reality. Of course I would pick the coldest/iciest day of the season to get back out there. It really made it hard to get up at 5 am and leave the house and put on a happy strong face. However, I do feel a tad, and the tad is a stretch, better. When I go out in public right now though I almost feel agoraphobic. I can't wait to get back to my little house of safety. Everyday is a step in the right direction, right?
Everytime Tom calls I've just gotten done sobbing and just fallen asleep. So the 2 times I've actually talked to him haven't been very exciting, and can't say I remember much of the conversation. I feel bad for him because I'm sure he wants to hear that I'm doing just fine and going on, but I can't give him that at the moment. I don't know how the man does it...leaving everything he has to fight a war. I grow more and more respect for him every second.
Em's doing pretty well. She talks about daddy, asks where he is from time to time, and even expresses when she's sad. It's heartbreaking to me, but I'm so proud she kind of understands, and can talk about her emotions (as much as a 2 year old can). She was just listening to one of the recorded books; a part of me wanted to cry, but then again it was so good to hear his voice filling the living room. It seemed to brighten up the place a bit
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Round 3...ding, ding
I'm gonna start this blog, I'm not sure I have all my thoughts and feelings to the surface where I can write about them, or make sense. I'm gonna start this in hopes that everything comes pouring out of my fingers and I can deal with what I'm feeling. If it makes no sense to you then welcome to what's going on inside my head. I'm just going to start typing what comes to mind...
There is nothing like seeing a bunch of dads, husbands, etc stand around with guns strapped to them to make you realize where they are headed. Until that point today for me it was almost like it was all pretend. I mean I got that Tom was leaving for a year to Iraq, but it didn't sink in they are headed to WAR!
I must have blocked out all these feelings from the last 2 times, because I don't remember hurting so bad in both my heart and head. I feel like I'm carrying around all my heartache as well as Tom's and Em's. The whole weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and start going on with my life and routine. But then I feel bad because a part of me (my heart, or what's left of it) feels like everything should just stop until Tom gets back. Although, I know thats not what I should do, or what Tom wants me to do.
Now to the thought that no one wants to hear, say, read, or even think about but I know I have to get it out. I'm not as scared as I have been in the past, not scared that Tom isn't coming home. I feel so heartbroken as if I KNOW he's not coming back and I have to prepare myself for that. I hope its just part of the process of "hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst"
I think I've had such a hard time with #3 because I'm so burnt out on this process. I'm pretty sure I mentally prepared for 1, if not 2, deployments. But for some reason in the back of my mind I never thought we'd get to #3.
Having a little girl to prepare for, and support during the farewell process is draining. It was so hard to get thru an explanation without weeping.
I tried to have my catharsis cry and get it all out, but Em had a night terror and stopped that. I could play some sappy music and start all over again but I'm too drained to cry anymore. I got enough out to get me thru the night...and tomorrows another day.
Today feels very surreal, and having Gene Simmons there didn't help that feeling. Like really? Did that really happen? Did Gene Simmons from Kiss really come to the motor pool as my husband was leaving for his third tour in Iraq? Craziness
I'm still in shock so I'm sure tomorrow there will be a part 2 to this blog, but right now that's about all I've got
There is nothing like seeing a bunch of dads, husbands, etc stand around with guns strapped to them to make you realize where they are headed. Until that point today for me it was almost like it was all pretend. I mean I got that Tom was leaving for a year to Iraq, but it didn't sink in they are headed to WAR!
I must have blocked out all these feelings from the last 2 times, because I don't remember hurting so bad in both my heart and head. I feel like I'm carrying around all my heartache as well as Tom's and Em's. The whole weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and start going on with my life and routine. But then I feel bad because a part of me (my heart, or what's left of it) feels like everything should just stop until Tom gets back. Although, I know thats not what I should do, or what Tom wants me to do.
Now to the thought that no one wants to hear, say, read, or even think about but I know I have to get it out. I'm not as scared as I have been in the past, not scared that Tom isn't coming home. I feel so heartbroken as if I KNOW he's not coming back and I have to prepare myself for that. I hope its just part of the process of "hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst"
I think I've had such a hard time with #3 because I'm so burnt out on this process. I'm pretty sure I mentally prepared for 1, if not 2, deployments. But for some reason in the back of my mind I never thought we'd get to #3.
Having a little girl to prepare for, and support during the farewell process is draining. It was so hard to get thru an explanation without weeping.
I tried to have my catharsis cry and get it all out, but Em had a night terror and stopped that. I could play some sappy music and start all over again but I'm too drained to cry anymore. I got enough out to get me thru the night...and tomorrows another day.
Today feels very surreal, and having Gene Simmons there didn't help that feeling. Like really? Did that really happen? Did Gene Simmons from Kiss really come to the motor pool as my husband was leaving for his third tour in Iraq? Craziness
I'm still in shock so I'm sure tomorrow there will be a part 2 to this blog, but right now that's about all I've got
Monday, January 24, 2011
The emotional stages of deployment
I found these articles very interesting so I felt the need to post them. I can pretty much pinpoint going thru all these emotions in the last 2 deployments...and thought maybe some of my army wife friends would find it interesting, and maybe help our civilian friends understand why we are so bitchy at times :-). And then you have to take into account that we go thru these stages atleast 2x bc of their 2 wk R&R time. We have to get used to them being back home, then have to say good-bye all over again.
7-Stage Model
1. Anticipation of Departure
Much like the "Re-Deployment" stage in the 5 Stage Cycle, in this stage, spouses may alternately feel denial and anticipation of loss. As reality sinks in, tempers may flare as couples attempt to take care of all the items on a Family pre-deployment checklist, while striving to make time for "memorable" moments. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, Stage 1 may begin again before a couple or Family has even had time to renegotiate a shared vision of who they are after the changes from the last deployment.
2. Detachment and Withdrawal
In this stage, service members become more and more psychologically prepared for deployment, focusing on the mission and their unit. Bonding with their fellow service members is essential to unit cohesion, but this may create emotional distance within the marriage. Sadness and anger occur as couples attempt to protect themselves from the hurt of separation. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, as this stage happens more often and more frequently, marital problems may escalate. When a husband or wife must repeatedly create emotional "distance", they may gradually shut down their emotions. It may seem easier to just feel "numb" rather than sad, but the lack of emotional connection to your spouse can lead to difficulties in a marriage.
3. Emotional Disorganization
With back to back deployments, one might think that this stage of adjusting to new responsibilities and being alone would get easier. Although a military spouse may be familiar with the routine, (s)he may also be experiencing "burn-out" and fatigue from the last deployment, and feel overwhelmed at starting this stage again.
4. Recovery and Stabilization
Here, spouses realize they are fundamentally resilient and able to cope with the deployment. They develop increased confidence and a positive outlook. With back to back deployments, however, spouses may find it hard to muster the emotional strength required, but many resources are available to provide needed support.
5. Anticipation of Return
This is generally a happy and hectic time spent preparing for the return of the service member. Spouses, children and parents of the service member need to talk about realistic plans and expectations for the return and reunion.
6. Return Adjustment and Renegotiation
Like "Post-Deployment" in the 5 Stage Cycle, couples and Families must reset their expectations and renegotiate their roles during this stage. The key to successful adjustment and renegotiation is open communication. Families also need to be prepared to deal with the effects of combat stress on the returning service member. Such stress and trauma can be difficult to deal with. Troops with combat stress are often irritable, guarded, and want to be alone. Some may use increased alcohol or drugs in a failed attempt to "numb" the emotional pain they are experiencing. Attempts at renegotiation may result in increasing marital arguments.
7. Reintegration and Stabilization
This stage can take up to 6 months as the couple and Family stabilize their relationships anew. As noted with Stage 6, the presence of combat stress can severely disrupt the stabilization process. Reintegration and stabilization can hit more roadblocks when a Family must make a Permanent Change of Station (PCS) move immediately upon the return of the service member. Back to back deployments create stress as Families stabilize only to begin Stage 1 once again.
*And here is a excerpt from the other model, the 5-stage model. It's the current stage we are in right now, and I can assure you we are going thru a lot of this personally right now. We don't fight, because we learned how bad that is after the 1st deployment. But we're definitely going thru the emotional withdrawl!
Pre-deployment
The onset of this stage begins with the warning order for deployment. This stage ends when the Soldier actually departs from home station. The pre-deployment timeframe is extremely variable from several weeks to more than a year.
The pre-deployment stage is characterized alternately by denial and anticipation of loss. As the departure date gets closer, spouses often ask: "You don't really have to go, do you?" Eventually, the increased field training, preparation, and long hours away from home herald the extended separation that is to come. Soldiers energetically talk more and more about the upcoming mission and their unit. This "bonding" to fellow Soldiers is essential to unit cohesion that is necessary for a safe and successful deployment. Yet, it also creates an increasing sense of emotional and physical distance for military spouses.5,7,8 In their frustration, many spouses complain: "I wish you were gone already." It is as if their loved ones are already "psychologically deployed." As the reality of the deployment finally sinks in, the Soldier and Family try to get their affairs in order. Long "honey-do" lists are generated dealing with all manner of issues including: home repairs, security (door and window locks, burglar alarms, etc.), car maintenance, finances, tax preparation, child care plans and wills, just to name a few. At the same time, many couples strive for increased intimacy. Plans are made for the "best" Christmas, the "perfect" vacation, or the "most" romantic anniversary. In contrast, there may be some ambivalence about sexual relations: "this is it for six months, but I do not want to be that close." Fears about fidelity or marital integrity are raised or may go unspoken. Other frequently voiced concerns may include: "How will the children handle the separation? Can I cope without him/her? Will my marriage survive?" In this very busy and tumultuous time, resolving all these issues, completing the multitude of tasks or fulfilling high expectations often falls short.
A common occurrence, just prior to deployment, is for Soldiers and their spouses to have a significant argument.5,9 For couples with a long history, this argument is readily attributed to the ebb-and-flow of marital life and therefore not taken too seriously. For younger couples, especially those experiencing an extended separation for the first time, such an argument can take on "catastrophic" proportions. Fears that the relationship is over can lead to tremendous anxiety for both Soldier and spouse. In retrospect, these arguments are most likely caused by the stress of the pending separation. From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more.5,6
However, the impact of unresolved Family concerns can have potentially devastating consequences. From a command perspective, a worried, preoccupied Soldier is easily distracted and unable to focus on essential tasks during the critical movement of heavy military equipment. In the worst-case scenario, this can lead to a serious accident or the development of a Soldier stress casualty who is mission ineffective.2,10,11 On the home front, significant spousal distress interferes with completing basic routines, concentrating at work, and attending to the needs of children. At worst, this can exacerbate children's fears that the parents are unable to adequately care for them or even that the Soldier will not return. Adverse reactions by children can include inconsolable crying, apathy, tantrums, and other regressive behaviors. In response, a downward spiral can develop - if not quickly checked - in which both Soldier and spouse become even more upset at the prospect of separating.
Although easier said than done, it is often helpful for military couples - in the pre-deployment stage - to discuss in detail their expectations of each other during the deployment. These expectations can include a variety of issues, to include: freedom to make independent decisions, contact with the opposite sex (fidelity), going out with friends, budgeting, child-rearing, and even how often letters or care packages will be sent. Failure to accurately communicate these and other expectations is frequently a source of misperception, distortion and hurt later on in the deployment. It is difficult at best to resolve major marital disagreements when face-to-face, let alone over six thousand miles apart.
7-Stage Model
1. Anticipation of Departure
Much like the "Re-Deployment" stage in the 5 Stage Cycle, in this stage, spouses may alternately feel denial and anticipation of loss. As reality sinks in, tempers may flare as couples attempt to take care of all the items on a Family pre-deployment checklist, while striving to make time for "memorable" moments. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, Stage 1 may begin again before a couple or Family has even had time to renegotiate a shared vision of who they are after the changes from the last deployment.
2. Detachment and Withdrawal
In this stage, service members become more and more psychologically prepared for deployment, focusing on the mission and their unit. Bonding with their fellow service members is essential to unit cohesion, but this may create emotional distance within the marriage. Sadness and anger occur as couples attempt to protect themselves from the hurt of separation. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, as this stage happens more often and more frequently, marital problems may escalate. When a husband or wife must repeatedly create emotional "distance", they may gradually shut down their emotions. It may seem easier to just feel "numb" rather than sad, but the lack of emotional connection to your spouse can lead to difficulties in a marriage.
3. Emotional Disorganization
With back to back deployments, one might think that this stage of adjusting to new responsibilities and being alone would get easier. Although a military spouse may be familiar with the routine, (s)he may also be experiencing "burn-out" and fatigue from the last deployment, and feel overwhelmed at starting this stage again.
4. Recovery and Stabilization
Here, spouses realize they are fundamentally resilient and able to cope with the deployment. They develop increased confidence and a positive outlook. With back to back deployments, however, spouses may find it hard to muster the emotional strength required, but many resources are available to provide needed support.
5. Anticipation of Return
This is generally a happy and hectic time spent preparing for the return of the service member. Spouses, children and parents of the service member need to talk about realistic plans and expectations for the return and reunion.
6. Return Adjustment and Renegotiation
Like "Post-Deployment" in the 5 Stage Cycle, couples and Families must reset their expectations and renegotiate their roles during this stage. The key to successful adjustment and renegotiation is open communication. Families also need to be prepared to deal with the effects of combat stress on the returning service member. Such stress and trauma can be difficult to deal with. Troops with combat stress are often irritable, guarded, and want to be alone. Some may use increased alcohol or drugs in a failed attempt to "numb" the emotional pain they are experiencing. Attempts at renegotiation may result in increasing marital arguments.
7. Reintegration and Stabilization
This stage can take up to 6 months as the couple and Family stabilize their relationships anew. As noted with Stage 6, the presence of combat stress can severely disrupt the stabilization process. Reintegration and stabilization can hit more roadblocks when a Family must make a Permanent Change of Station (PCS) move immediately upon the return of the service member. Back to back deployments create stress as Families stabilize only to begin Stage 1 once again.
*And here is a excerpt from the other model, the 5-stage model. It's the current stage we are in right now, and I can assure you we are going thru a lot of this personally right now. We don't fight, because we learned how bad that is after the 1st deployment. But we're definitely going thru the emotional withdrawl!
Pre-deployment
The onset of this stage begins with the warning order for deployment. This stage ends when the Soldier actually departs from home station. The pre-deployment timeframe is extremely variable from several weeks to more than a year.
| ||
A common occurrence, just prior to deployment, is for Soldiers and their spouses to have a significant argument.5,9 For couples with a long history, this argument is readily attributed to the ebb-and-flow of marital life and therefore not taken too seriously. For younger couples, especially those experiencing an extended separation for the first time, such an argument can take on "catastrophic" proportions. Fears that the relationship is over can lead to tremendous anxiety for both Soldier and spouse. In retrospect, these arguments are most likely caused by the stress of the pending separation. From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more.5,6
However, the impact of unresolved Family concerns can have potentially devastating consequences. From a command perspective, a worried, preoccupied Soldier is easily distracted and unable to focus on essential tasks during the critical movement of heavy military equipment. In the worst-case scenario, this can lead to a serious accident or the development of a Soldier stress casualty who is mission ineffective.2,10,11 On the home front, significant spousal distress interferes with completing basic routines, concentrating at work, and attending to the needs of children. At worst, this can exacerbate children's fears that the parents are unable to adequately care for them or even that the Soldier will not return. Adverse reactions by children can include inconsolable crying, apathy, tantrums, and other regressive behaviors. In response, a downward spiral can develop - if not quickly checked - in which both Soldier and spouse become even more upset at the prospect of separating.
Although easier said than done, it is often helpful for military couples - in the pre-deployment stage - to discuss in detail their expectations of each other during the deployment. These expectations can include a variety of issues, to include: freedom to make independent decisions, contact with the opposite sex (fidelity), going out with friends, budgeting, child-rearing, and even how often letters or care packages will be sent. Failure to accurately communicate these and other expectations is frequently a source of misperception, distortion and hurt later on in the deployment. It is difficult at best to resolve major marital disagreements when face-to-face, let alone over six thousand miles apart.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Numbness
Got official word today of Tom's deployment day. It's the day I was planning on, but it's still hard to swallow. I had my good cry, which helped a little; made me a lil less emotional. But now all I can feel is shock. I have a sort of numbness inside me; I just want to sit in a chair and do nothing, all the while feeling very restless inside. I can't focus on anything, so reading is out of the question. And the time is just slipping thru my fingers. I will think 5 mins has gone by when it's really been 2 hours. I'm not even sure if this blog is making sense bc I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to type it, but seem to have millions of thoughts going all at the same time. I feel like I'm in a fog. And all I have to look forward to is an even more intense version of this the day he leaves...in a week (give or a take a day). Tomorrow I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up and not even remember today...maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.
Now I have to vent: Apparently they put out the word Friday of the date they are leaving. Tom was with me at Em's surgery, and no one had the courtesy to call him to let him know. Now, I understand some of you might be thinking they were waiting to tell him bc he had enough on his plate, but I assure you that's most likely not the case. What pisses me off even more is that his NCO even called that day to ask how the surgery went, no word of deployment. Then he called again today to let Tom know the schedule for tomorrow, still not a word of it. Finally right before hanging up Tom asked his NCO if they had mentioned any days and it was revealed "oh yeah we put that out Friday, you're leaving on (insert date here)". I'm paraphrasing here of course, but its just disrespectful to me for them to be so nonchalant about the whole thing...like it doesn't really matter if we know when he's leaving or not. I can assure you whether their families care or not about their husbands departure to a combat zone for a year, it DOES matter to me! And if you're wondering why I haven't mentioned the date yet it's because of OPSEC and we aren't supposed to mention flight dates and times for everyone's safety. Let's just say this though, Tom won't be here for February.
Now I have to vent: Apparently they put out the word Friday of the date they are leaving. Tom was with me at Em's surgery, and no one had the courtesy to call him to let him know. Now, I understand some of you might be thinking they were waiting to tell him bc he had enough on his plate, but I assure you that's most likely not the case. What pisses me off even more is that his NCO even called that day to ask how the surgery went, no word of deployment. Then he called again today to let Tom know the schedule for tomorrow, still not a word of it. Finally right before hanging up Tom asked his NCO if they had mentioned any days and it was revealed "oh yeah we put that out Friday, you're leaving on (insert date here)". I'm paraphrasing here of course, but its just disrespectful to me for them to be so nonchalant about the whole thing...like it doesn't really matter if we know when he's leaving or not. I can assure you whether their families care or not about their husbands departure to a combat zone for a year, it DOES matter to me! And if you're wondering why I haven't mentioned the date yet it's because of OPSEC and we aren't supposed to mention flight dates and times for everyone's safety. Let's just say this though, Tom won't be here for February.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
What goes around, comes around
If I am your good friend I will fight to the death for you. I can be mean, conniving, and a down right bitch! But you know as your friend I've got your back, and will do whatever I can to make sure you are taken care of and no one hurts my friends, family, or me. You mess with them, you mess with me. I think a lot of weaker ppl are drawn to me, weak sounds mean, but I mean ppl who aren't able to stand up for themselves. They want me to go to bat for them and do what they can't. And I've been told that they wish they could be more like me, and it's what they love about me. Trust me it's not always easy to be so bluntly honest and downright mean. I don't keep friends very easily bc not everyone can handle my honesty.
I can be a very understanding, forgiving person...except when I'm deceived or lied to by friends. I would rather you be honest with me, tell me something I don't want to hear, like you're cheating on your husband, than to hide it and lie to me about it. Me! The person whom you've sucked the life out of to catch your husband cheating and get him in trouble with his NCO. It makes me look like a fool, and I don't appreciate it one bit! Hence why you're outta my life FOREVER.
So anyway, back to my point...Why are these ppl surprised when I'm just as mean, conniving, and bitchy towards them after they've done me wrong? They've wasted a lot of my time, and betrayed me. Why wouldn't I stand up for myself and give them a dose of the medicine they loved so much when they were dispensing it themselves on other ppl?! Seriously what part of them thought they could lie and 1) wouldn't get caught (I'm definitely not dumb, nor blind) and 2) i would just stand back and let it happen without a word, or fight! They sure loved when I was good at catching their husband lying and cheating, and helped him pay for his actions....what goes around, comes around.
I'm not saying ppl should be scared of me, I'm not that intimidating, or scary. But I am saying I am who I am no matter what, and I won't change that. This has happened more than once to me, and I just don't get why ppl are so shocked when they do me wrong and I fight back. I'm just doing what you loved so much about me that kept me in your circle of friends in the first place.
My other point is: DON'T use me as your fighting tool bc you're too weak to do it yourself, DON'T use me for your financial support bc you can't be an adult and spend money wisely, DON'T use me as a babysitter bc you can't handle the kids you made a conscience decision to have, DON'T use me as an alibi while you are screwing other men, esp without my knowledge of what is going on, DON'T lie to me, and DON'T blame me because your husband isn't honest and open with you, but mine is with me! and IF you do any, or ALL of these things DON'T be surprised when I don't take it lying down and just revert back to my corner. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Oh and a lil advice from me to you; if you don't want the whole world to know that you are screwing another soldier while still living with your husband, - hence getting the other soldier in trouble for sleeping with a married woman - don't post his name all over your wall on facebook, and make sure your wall is private to everyone but friends.
I can be a very understanding, forgiving person...except when I'm deceived or lied to by friends. I would rather you be honest with me, tell me something I don't want to hear, like you're cheating on your husband, than to hide it and lie to me about it. Me! The person whom you've sucked the life out of to catch your husband cheating and get him in trouble with his NCO. It makes me look like a fool, and I don't appreciate it one bit! Hence why you're outta my life FOREVER.
So anyway, back to my point...Why are these ppl surprised when I'm just as mean, conniving, and bitchy towards them after they've done me wrong? They've wasted a lot of my time, and betrayed me. Why wouldn't I stand up for myself and give them a dose of the medicine they loved so much when they were dispensing it themselves on other ppl?! Seriously what part of them thought they could lie and 1) wouldn't get caught (I'm definitely not dumb, nor blind) and 2) i would just stand back and let it happen without a word, or fight! They sure loved when I was good at catching their husband lying and cheating, and helped him pay for his actions....what goes around, comes around.
I'm not saying ppl should be scared of me, I'm not that intimidating, or scary. But I am saying I am who I am no matter what, and I won't change that. This has happened more than once to me, and I just don't get why ppl are so shocked when they do me wrong and I fight back. I'm just doing what you loved so much about me that kept me in your circle of friends in the first place.
My other point is: DON'T use me as your fighting tool bc you're too weak to do it yourself, DON'T use me for your financial support bc you can't be an adult and spend money wisely, DON'T use me as a babysitter bc you can't handle the kids you made a conscience decision to have, DON'T use me as an alibi while you are screwing other men, esp without my knowledge of what is going on, DON'T lie to me, and DON'T blame me because your husband isn't honest and open with you, but mine is with me! and IF you do any, or ALL of these things DON'T be surprised when I don't take it lying down and just revert back to my corner. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Oh and a lil advice from me to you; if you don't want the whole world to know that you are screwing another soldier while still living with your husband, - hence getting the other soldier in trouble for sleeping with a married woman - don't post his name all over your wall on facebook, and make sure your wall is private to everyone but friends.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
...and I hope you're wishing on that same bright star
We went to Vero's tonight for a halloween party with her family and had an awesome time. I love my girls! When I got home and put Em to bed I got really depressed though. I was wishing Tom could have seen Em all dressed up and having a great time showing off. It made me feel really guilty bc again he is missing a holiday with her. He has yet to spend a Halloween with his lil girl. I know my husband, and he would get just as excited to dress her up and parade her around as I do. Sometimes I think I shouldn't do things when he can't be here, but that's not fair to Em. I can't put our lives on hold bc he's gone, and doesn't want us to. I just wish he could be here to have fun with us too. And I wish I could say, "oh well, there is always next year". Unfortunately, he won't be here then either. He'll be even further away at that time. Does the guilt ever go away? Will my husband ever get to enjoy dressing up with his girl for Halloween?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Alice or the white rabbit?
Tom leaves his current area tomorrow for their "actual field" exercise. And while there they have to leave their phones, and can't call. Tonight they have to turn in their phones to be locked up.15 days of not talking to him is gonna suck. And in the last 48 hrs I have talked to him all of 20 mins. Just talked to him for the last time before he leaves...it's so hard to keep it together on the phone and not break down crying. But I have to be strong so he won't worry about us. This sucks. I just wish I could crawl in a hole right now. I'm exhausted, emotional, and down right pissy. Sometimes hearing his voice is what keeps me going, it rejuvinates me.
I think what really bothers me is that this is part of his year "home". Im very thankful he's not in Iraq, but damnit this is supposed to be our time. And now throw in we can't even talk! At the risk of sounding like a snot nose whiny kid, it just isn't fair
Ok I'm done whining...for now
I think what really bothers me is that this is part of his year "home". Im very thankful he's not in Iraq, but damnit this is supposed to be our time. And now throw in we can't even talk! At the risk of sounding like a snot nose whiny kid, it just isn't fair
Ok I'm done whining...for now
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dumb criminals, or...
Ok, so I'm watching the news and they are talking about how a town close to us is losing money for the police department. Apparently funds for a police department are based on the amout of crime...less crime, less money. Does anyone else think this is stupid? Seriously? "huh huh hey ah Bevis I have an idea...apparently they are too good with the amount of cops they have; crime is too low. Let's cut their funding so crime will go up again. That'll teach 'em to be so efficient and good at their job"
Oh government at it's best...
Oh government at it's best...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Multiple Personalities
Well it's been almost 24 hours since Tom left, and as usual I'm just fine. Leading up to the departure is always the hardest. I call myself "Tom's wife" at that point. I'm broken, anxious, way too emotional and irrational. I even spent half the morning in the bathroom with an upset stomach...my body physically reacts to him leaving. It's ridiculous! The minute he walks out that door though I become "SSG Gruenberg's wife"; kick butt, take no prisoners, can do anything on my own, and make it thru anything. I always know I'm gonna be this way, and I'm going to be alright when he leaves, but for some reason I can't see that when he's preparing to leave for an extended time. I always think "I can't do this again, or anymore". Why can't I have faith in myself. I need to work on this.
Em is doing ok so far too. She asked for daddy one time today, and when I said he's at work, she went on her merry way. She was way excited to talk to him on the phone though. They are kinda buddies.
Em is doing ok so far too. She asked for daddy one time today, and when I said he's at work, she went on her merry way. She was way excited to talk to him on the phone though. They are kinda buddies.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Time for the deployment slap in the face
Well my cord has been ordered, so now I'm on the "monster laptop". It's only a 14.1" but geez after a netbook this thing is a like a desktop.
Tom leaves very early Saturday morning for NTC. The big training for deployment. Soooo not looking forward to this. A month without him is hard enough, but now I have to try to explain to my almost 2 year old that daddy is gone to work for a very long time. To me NTC is the slap in the face that deployment is quickly approaching. He'll get back sometime the weekend before Thanksgiving, then it's a month til leave followed by 3 wks in MO, a month home, then it's time to say good-bye for a whole year again.
I can't believe we are gearing up for our 3rd deployment. I remember way back when we were first married we talk about when he was in the guard, and how I didn't think I could handle him being in the military bc I couldn't ever survive a deployment. 7 years later here we are #3 in 5 years...ugh. I'm pretty sure this is going to be the hardest one yet. They don't get easier as they go, they just get different. The first one was just me, which was hard, but I just went to MO a lot, and took a lot of classes. The 2nd was hard bc I was a single parent with a newborn, but she kept me very busy and neither her nor Tom got attached to each other very much. This time however, these 2 are gonna have to be pulled away from each other. I can't explain to her how long he's gonna be gone, she has no concept of time. Tom will have to say good-bye to TWO people he loves. I've already decided I'm gonna be the glue that holds this family together emotionally. That's a pretty big job, and being that I'm pretty emotional myself, I hope I'm up for it.
Well I feel better getting that off my mind...
Tom leaves very early Saturday morning for NTC. The big training for deployment. Soooo not looking forward to this. A month without him is hard enough, but now I have to try to explain to my almost 2 year old that daddy is gone to work for a very long time. To me NTC is the slap in the face that deployment is quickly approaching. He'll get back sometime the weekend before Thanksgiving, then it's a month til leave followed by 3 wks in MO, a month home, then it's time to say good-bye for a whole year again.
I can't believe we are gearing up for our 3rd deployment. I remember way back when we were first married we talk about when he was in the guard, and how I didn't think I could handle him being in the military bc I couldn't ever survive a deployment. 7 years later here we are #3 in 5 years...ugh. I'm pretty sure this is going to be the hardest one yet. They don't get easier as they go, they just get different. The first one was just me, which was hard, but I just went to MO a lot, and took a lot of classes. The 2nd was hard bc I was a single parent with a newborn, but she kept me very busy and neither her nor Tom got attached to each other very much. This time however, these 2 are gonna have to be pulled away from each other. I can't explain to her how long he's gonna be gone, she has no concept of time. Tom will have to say good-bye to TWO people he loves. I've already decided I'm gonna be the glue that holds this family together emotionally. That's a pretty big job, and being that I'm pretty emotional myself, I hope I'm up for it.
Well I feel better getting that off my mind...
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