Monday, January 7, 2013
Rough day...
Having what I call "a rough baby day". One of those days I miss my bean a lot. Even though I never got to meet him, or hold him, he still held a special place in my heart. I think about how pregnant and miserable I would be at this point and I long for that. Being hot, fat, and physically miserable is a lot easier because at the end of all of it I would have something to show for it. Now all I have is an ultrasound pic and a whole in my heart that will never be filled. Tom, Em, and I were so excited to welcome another member to our family and right now I feel like that will never happen. Its been almost 5 months since Bean left us and I still think about him all the time. Some days I can't wait til I get to go to Heaven so I can finally meet the baby I lost. This is such a hard thing to go through. I feel like everyone just brushes it under the rug, and I feel like I should be over it by now. A mother becomes a mom the min she finds out she is pregnant tho, and I feel I had already bonded with Bean, and had so many plans for him that just wasn't meant to be. He wasn't just a baby that never existed..he had a heartbeat that I saw with my own eyes...I saw him move on the US, he was alive, and now isn't. Everyone kept telling me their stories of miscarriage and how they got pg again right after it happened. Here it is 5 months later and I'm still not. It just hurts to see all these people that have no business with a baby get pg just by thinking about it. I try to be patient and know that He has a plan, but sometimes my own agenda and stubbornness blind me. I need to trust in His plan, I need to trust in His plan (repeat over and over).
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Changing things up
So I'm convinced I'm going through a mid-life (maybe third-life) crisis. I have the desire to go get tatted up and I just dyed most of my hair purple. I love it! It's so punk and funky! I feel like a different person now. They say blondes have more fun...obviously those people never had purple hair!!
Friday, December 28, 2012
After Christmas glow
Well we survived another Christmas. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was afraid this one would be hard because I was very much looking forward to being pregnant and buying a gift for my little bean. Seeing Em on Christmas morning made it bearable. She loved all the magical things Santa did and Christmas is just more fun through the eyes of a child. The best part of it all? It snowed here, around 4 inches. It was too cold to go play in it for long, but we got a few minutes of fun in the snow on our White Christmas.
This is the most snow she has see since she was around 1! She's been asking to make snow angels for 2 years now! So glad she got to do this on Christmas. It was pretty magical!
In more depressing news...another month not being pregnant. I'm slowly learning to deal with it and be patient again. The bitterness and anger is subsiding a little. I keep telling myself its going to happen when its supposed to, I shouldn't rush it, God has a plan. But sometimes I really get tired of myself saying this over and over...month after month. 2013 is going to be a good year, I can feel it! I feel like I have a whole list of resolutions to work on...maybe I'll start a whole new blog for that venture so I can keep myself in check...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Innocence of a 4 year old
This has been a rough week. Seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant. I don't wish them to not be pregnant. Its just hard when you see so many people who had no desire to be pg are, yet I'd give anything to be, and seems I can't. Also isn't helping that I am late, have sore boobs, yet the couple of tests I have taken are negative. At this point I just wish my monthly friend would show up and be done all ready.
Em keeps talking about her baby sister. It's kinda freaking me out. I keep telling her she may not have a baby sis/bro at all or she may end up with a brother. She insists she is going to have a baby sister. Maybe I need to take a cue from her innocence and keep the faith!
On a positive note all my grades are in, I ended up with 3 As and a C. That C is probably the grade I am most proud of. I started out Cost Accting with a 43% on the first test and the fact I brought that up to a C with only 3 tests makes me happy because that isn't an easy class! And did I mention that the 2nd week of class I had a missed miscarriage and still kept going to class? Yeah I'm either insane or hardcore...but its over now
Em keeps talking about her baby sister. It's kinda freaking me out. I keep telling her she may not have a baby sis/bro at all or she may end up with a brother. She insists she is going to have a baby sister. Maybe I need to take a cue from her innocence and keep the faith!
On a positive note all my grades are in, I ended up with 3 As and a C. That C is probably the grade I am most proud of. I started out Cost Accting with a 43% on the first test and the fact I brought that up to a C with only 3 tests makes me happy because that isn't an easy class! And did I mention that the 2nd week of class I had a missed miscarriage and still kept going to class? Yeah I'm either insane or hardcore...but its over now
Saturday, December 15, 2012
It has been a while...
Can't believe how long it has been since I blogged...and how much has happened since then. As always I tend to turn to blogging when I'm having a rough time. Putting thoughts on paper the computer helps me deal with them. Right now is no exception. I think I'm going to devote more time to blogging and instead of waiting until the new year I'm going to start now. No time like the present huh? And who isn't interested in the mad ravings of a full time college student/mother/Army wife?
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I lost a best friend bc of a completely absurd accusation with no foundation whatsoever, went to Vegas for an adult vacation, moved to Oklahoma, started a new college, sent my little girl off to her first daycare/preschool, started a new endeavor by selling 31, got pregnant, said goodbye to my little bean at almost 10 wks, had my "baby" turn 4 and finished the semester anyway with 3 As, and a possible B/C (grades aren't posted yet). Thats just the "highlights" really. And that's where we are now...
I have just finished my first semester at Cameron U. The semester got off to a rocky start and I'm just proud of myself for finishing and passing all my classes. The fact that I got As in 3/4 of my classes is a fact I am very proud of. Still waiting on the grade for Cost Accounting to be posted though...ugh.
I have so much I want to type right now, but I'm just not sure I am ready to share those feelings with the whole world, or the few people who read my blog...so you must wait til next time
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I lost a best friend bc of a completely absurd accusation with no foundation whatsoever, went to Vegas for an adult vacation, moved to Oklahoma, started a new college, sent my little girl off to her first daycare/preschool, started a new endeavor by selling 31, got pregnant, said goodbye to my little bean at almost 10 wks, had my "baby" turn 4 and finished the semester anyway with 3 As, and a possible B/C (grades aren't posted yet). Thats just the "highlights" really. And that's where we are now...
I have just finished my first semester at Cameron U. The semester got off to a rocky start and I'm just proud of myself for finishing and passing all my classes. The fact that I got As in 3/4 of my classes is a fact I am very proud of. Still waiting on the grade for Cost Accounting to be posted though...ugh.
I have so much I want to type right now, but I'm just not sure I am ready to share those feelings with the whole world, or the few people who read my blog...so you must wait til next time
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Promises
A fellow army wife I know posted this on her facebook. I have no idea where she got it, but it's awesome. Everything in it is so true...and thanks Sara for thinking of me when you read the part about everything going wrong in the same week ;).
A Soldier's Promise ...
I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.
I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.
But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.
An Army Wife's promise ...
I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won't be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.
But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.
I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.
I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.
But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.
An Army Wife's promise ...
I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won't be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.
But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Silver Lining
I've been thinking about this blog for a while, but have hesitated for fear of what people might think of me. Then I remembered I don't really care what people think of me, because this blog is all in fun, and a part of army wife humor. I'm going to start a list of things that make me "happy" Tom is deployed. Don't get me wrong, I'd trade all this for my husband to be home. Let's face it though, he's gone, I can't change that, we all know I like to see the positive in a situation...so lets examine the "Silver Linings of Deployment". I plan on adding to this list as the year goes by, so check in often for more. (P.S. Tom has mentioned his own silver linings too, like sleeping in and not having to do laundry or dishes)
- My favorite thing about deployments is how excited I can get over just seeing my husband. I don't know many people that after 7 years of marriage have an appreciation for such little things like we do. We get a first date, a first hug, all those firsts all over again when he gets home.
- 2 words: Deployment Pay! Credit cards get paid off, money gets saved...it's a win/win
- If I don't feel like shaving my legs, I don't have to. No one sees them.
- I can go to bed at 8 pm without having to worry about missing out on precious time with Tom
- I get the whole bed to myself.
- If I want to eat oreos in bed while watching Desperate Housewives no one judges me, nor knows about it
- Cheaper water bills
- I can watch whatever I want on TV
- No conflicting parenting decisions
- A LOT LESS laundry
- A LOT LESS dishes
- If I have a lazy day, I don't have to worry about the house (or me) being clean when Tom gets off work
- I ALWAYS lose weight
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