Rough day...

Having what I call "a rough baby day".  One of those days I miss my bean a lot.  Even though I never got to meet him, or hold him, he still held a special place in my heart.  I think about how pregnant and miserable I would be at this point and I long for that.  Being hot, fat, and physically miserable is a lot easier because at the end of all of it I would have something to show for it.  Now all I have is an ultrasound pic and a whole in my heart that will never be filled.  Tom, Em, and I were so excited to welcome another member to our family and right now I feel like that will never happen.  Its been almost 5 months since Bean left us and I still think about him all the time.  Some days I can't wait til I get to go to Heaven so I can finally meet the baby I lost.  This is such a hard thing to go through.  I feel like everyone just brushes it under the rug, and I feel like I should be over it by now.  A mother becomes a mom the min she finds out she is pregnant tho, and I feel I had already bonded with Bean, and had so many plans for him that just wasn't meant to be.  He wasn't just a baby that never existed..he had a heartbeat that I saw with my own eyes...I saw him move on the US, he was alive, and now isn't.  Everyone kept telling me their stories of miscarriage and how they got pg again right after it happened.  Here it is 5 months later and I'm still not.  It just hurts to see all these people that have no business with a baby get pg just by thinking about it.  I try to be patient and know that He has a plan, but sometimes my own agenda and stubbornness blind me.  I need to trust in His plan, I need to trust in His plan (repeat over and over).