...and I hope you're wishing on that same bright star

We went to Vero's tonight for a halloween party with her family and had an awesome time.  I love my girls!  When I got home and put Em to bed I got really depressed though.  I was wishing Tom could have seen Em all dressed up and having a great time showing off.  It made me feel really guilty bc again he is missing a holiday with her.  He has yet to spend a Halloween with his lil girl.  I know my husband, and he would get just as excited to dress her up and parade her around as I do.  Sometimes I think I shouldn't do things when he can't be here, but that's not fair to Em.  I can't put our lives on hold bc he's gone, and doesn't want us to.  I just wish he could be here to have fun with us too.  And I wish I could say, "oh well, there is always next year".  Unfortunately, he won't be here then either.  He'll be even further away at that time.  Does the guilt ever go away?  Will my husband ever get to enjoy dressing up with his girl for Halloween?

Alice or the white rabbit?

Tom leaves his current area tomorrow for their "actual field" exercise.  And while there they have to leave their phones, and can't call.  Tonight they have to turn in their phones to be locked up.15 days of not talking to him is gonna suck.  And in the last 48 hrs I have talked to him all of 20 mins.  Just talked to him for the last time before he leaves...it's so hard to keep it together on the phone and not break down crying.  But I have to be strong so he won't worry about us. This sucks. I just wish I could crawl in a hole right now.  I'm exhausted, emotional, and down right pissy.  Sometimes hearing his voice is what keeps me going, it rejuvinates me.
I think what really bothers me is that this is part of his year "home".  Im very thankful he's not in Iraq, but damnit this is supposed to be our time.  And now throw in we can't even talk!  At the risk of sounding like a snot nose whiny kid, it just isn't fair
Ok I'm done whining...for now

Dumb criminals, or...

Ok, so I'm watching the news and they are talking about how a town close to us is losing money for the police department.  Apparently funds for a police department are based on the amout of crime...less crime, less money.  Does anyone else think this is stupid?  Seriously?  "huh huh hey ah Bevis I have an idea...apparently they are too good with the amount of cops they have; crime is too low.  Let's cut their funding so crime will go up again.  That'll teach 'em to be so efficient and good at their job" 
Oh government at it's best...

Multiple Personalities

Well it's been almost 24 hours since Tom left, and as usual I'm just fine.  Leading up to the departure is always the hardest.  I call myself "Tom's wife" at that point.  I'm broken, anxious, way too emotional and irrational.  I even spent half the morning in the bathroom with an upset stomach...my body physically reacts to him leaving.  It's ridiculous!  The minute he walks out that door though I become "SSG Gruenberg's wife"; kick butt, take no prisoners, can do anything on my own, and make it thru anything.  I always know I'm gonna be this way, and I'm going to be alright when he leaves, but for some reason I can't see that when he's preparing to leave for an extended time.  I always think "I can't do this again, or anymore".  Why can't I have faith in myself.  I need to work on this.
Em is doing ok so far too.  She asked for daddy one time today, and when I said he's at work, she went on her merry way.  She was way excited to talk to him on the phone though.  They are kinda buddies.

Time for the deployment slap in the face

Well my cord has been ordered, so now I'm on the "monster laptop".  It's only a 14.1" but geez after a netbook this thing is a like a desktop.

Tom leaves very early Saturday morning for NTC.  The big training for deployment.  Soooo not looking forward to this.  A month without him is hard enough, but now I have to try to explain to my almost 2 year old that daddy is gone to work for a very long time.  To me NTC is the slap in the face that deployment is quickly approaching.  He'll get back sometime the weekend before Thanksgiving, then it's a month til leave followed by 3 wks in MO, a month home, then it's time to say good-bye for a whole year again.

I can't believe we are gearing up for our 3rd deployment.  I remember way back when we were first married we talk about when he was in the guard, and how I didn't think I could handle him being in the military bc I couldn't ever survive a deployment.  7 years later here we are #3 in 5 years...ugh.  I'm pretty sure this is going to be the hardest one yet.  They don't get easier as they go, they just get different.  The first one was just me, which was hard, but I just went to MO a lot, and took a lot of classes.  The 2nd was hard bc I was a single parent with a newborn, but she kept me very busy and neither her nor Tom got attached to each other very much.  This time however, these 2 are gonna have to be pulled away from each other.  I can't explain to her how long he's gonna be gone, she has no concept of time.  Tom will have to say good-bye to TWO people he loves.  I've already decided I'm gonna be the glue that holds this family together emotionally.  That's a pretty big job, and being that I'm pretty emotional myself, I hope I'm up for it.

Well I feel better getting that off my mind...

Back to writing...errr typing?

So it's been awhile since I've blogged.  Everyone quit using myspace, myself included, and therefore my main source of doing so went out the door.  To me there is something very theraputic about sitting down and just typing out all of your feeling and problems, or just making complete nonsense.  It's as if seeing it in words on a computer screen takes it out of your head and almost washes your hands of it.  "It" being hard feelings, stress, or my case, wanting to bash someone's head in from time to time.  I've been dealing with a lot of  anger, and impatience and couldn't figure out why.  It dawned on me today its because I'm holding it in.  It's time to start writing, or typing, it out; all my feelings.  And right now feels like the best time to start bc we are gearing up for deployment #3, so a lot more feelings are going to need to be worked thru.  To some, this might be pointless, senseless, and a waste of time.  To that I say, well quit reading it.  So here it goes...I'm starting...as soon as I go buy a new power cord for my netbook.  I was just informed I only have 8% of my battery left, and my cord is broke.  More to come later...