I'm gonna start this blog, I'm not sure I have all my thoughts and feelings to the surface where I can write about them, or make sense. I'm gonna start this in hopes that everything comes pouring out of my fingers and I can deal with what I'm feeling. If it makes no sense to you then welcome to what's going on inside my head. I'm just going to start typing what comes to mind...
There is nothing like seeing a bunch of dads, husbands, etc stand around with guns strapped to them to make you realize where they are headed. Until that point today for me it was almost like it was all pretend. I mean I got that Tom was leaving for a year to Iraq, but it didn't sink in they are headed to WAR!
I must have blocked out all these feelings from the last 2 times, because I don't remember hurting so bad in both my heart and head. I feel like I'm carrying around all my heartache as well as Tom's and Em's. The whole weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and start going on with my life and routine. But then I feel bad because a part of me (my heart, or what's left of it) feels like everything should just stop until Tom gets back. Although, I know thats not what I should do, or what Tom wants me to do.
Now to the thought that no one wants to hear, say, read, or even think about but I know I have to get it out. I'm not as scared as I have been in the past, not scared that Tom isn't coming home. I feel so heartbroken as if I KNOW he's not coming back and I have to prepare myself for that. I hope its just part of the process of "hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst"
I think I've had such a hard time with #3 because I'm so burnt out on this process. I'm pretty sure I mentally prepared for 1, if not 2, deployments. But for some reason in the back of my mind I never thought we'd get to #3.
Having a little girl to prepare for, and support during the farewell process is draining. It was so hard to get thru an explanation without weeping.
I tried to have my catharsis cry and get it all out, but Em had a night terror and stopped that. I could play some sappy music and start all over again but I'm too drained to cry anymore. I got enough out to get me thru the night...and tomorrows another day.
Today feels very surreal, and having Gene Simmons there didn't help that feeling. Like really? Did that really happen? Did Gene Simmons from Kiss really come to the motor pool as my husband was leaving for his third tour in Iraq? Craziness
I'm still in shock so I'm sure tomorrow there will be a part 2 to this blog, but right now that's about all I've got
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