Promises

A fellow army wife I know posted this on her facebook.  I have no idea where she got it, but it's awesome.  Everything in it is so true...and thanks Sara for thinking of me when you read the part about everything going wrong in the same week ;). 

A Soldier's Promise ...

I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. I may miss the births of our children. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat and your tears and your heartache to keep together and try to take it back as I knew it before. I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need. I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I will have to get to know our children over and over again. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else. It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you. You may lose me long before you ever thought possible. I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off. I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again.

I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise that to our children. I cannot promise you much of anything.

But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. I will see the faces of our children in every life that I protect. And I will carry you with me in everything until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.

An Army Wife's promise ...

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won't be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.

Silver Lining

I've been thinking about this blog for a while, but have hesitated for fear of what people might think of me.  Then I remembered I don't really care what people think of me, because this blog is all in fun, and a part of army wife humor.  I'm going to start a list of things that make me "happy" Tom is deployed.  Don't get me wrong, I'd trade all this for my husband to be home.  Let's face it though, he's gone, I can't change that, we all know I like to see the positive in a situation...so lets examine the "Silver Linings of Deployment".  I plan on adding to this list as the year goes by, so check in often for more. (P.S. Tom has mentioned his own silver linings too, like sleeping in and not having to do laundry or dishes)

• My favorite thing about deployments is how excited I can get over just seeing my husband.  I don't know many people that after 7 years of marriage have an appreciation for such little things like we do.  We get a first date, a first hug, all those firsts all over again when he gets home.
• 2 words: Deployment Pay!  Credit cards get paid off, money gets saved...it's a win/win
• If I don't feel like shaving my legs, I don't have to.  No one sees them.
• I can go to bed at 8 pm without having to worry about missing out on precious time with Tom
• I get the whole bed to myself.
• If I want to eat oreos in bed while watching Desperate Housewives no one judges me, nor knows about it
• Cheaper water bills
• I can watch whatever I want on TV
• No conflicting parenting decisions
• A LOT LESS laundry
• A LOT LESS dishes
• If I have a lazy day, I don't have to worry about the house (or me) being clean when Tom gets off work
• I ALWAYS lose weight

Ok, that's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there will be more to come

It's a brownie kind of day

I was fully prepared to sit down and write a blog soon about how I think I've finally gotten into my groove of this deployment.  I was driving down the road the other day and thought, you know what I've got a handle on this, and it's only a year.  I've done this before and I can certainly do it again.  Then out of the blue, just had one of the "those days".  Everything makes me wanna cry, I don't know how I'm going to get thru this, I was super depressed all day, and a year seems SO long today.
It's like walking into a door frame.  You know its there, but somehow you just can't seem to sidestep it, and BAM! there it is.  It hurts so bad you're sure you broke something.  And just like that feeling, I know I'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling so stupid for letting myself 1) not see this day coming eventually, and 2) let it get me down so bad, for a pain I know won't last too long.
Thats just the way deployments work for me.  I feel so strong and confident for weeks at a time, and then all of a sudden for no reason I have a bad day and I feel like I'm done for and can't go on, the days feel like weeks, and weeks like months.  Then I wake up the next day just fine and in kicking-butt form, which is how I hope I wake up tomorrow.

"Friday Night"

Im having a good day, not emotional at all, but I miss Tom so much.  This house just doesn't feel the same when he's gone.  I imagine I miss him more tonight because it's my "friday night" so I can stay up late and not have to worry about homework or getting up tomorrow morning, but what's the point?  It's also snowing and I made a big crock pot full of chili, so I just want to curl up under a blanket and snuggle with my honey.  And since it's snowing I'm willing to bet he would have had tomorrow off.  We could have spent all day playing with Em and enjoying a fire.
I really need to stop thinking about what we could be doing together, we aren't living that life right now.  The first month is just a rough trasition period getting used to him not being here at all.  It probably doesn't help I've only talked to him for about 45 mins the entire time he's been gone.  Oh well tomorrows another day right?  Em and I are gonna sit around, watch movies, eat chili with the neighbors and possibly go play in some snow, er ice pellets.

Still trying...

I decided while txting with friends that tonight I was putting a stop to the crying.  It didn't matter how sad I was tears were not leaving these eyes tonight.  People kept telling me I just needed to get it out and then I'd feel better.  Well I let it out...alot, and was still feeling like I could cry all night every night.  Wasn't working for me.  No matter what hit me tonight I wasn't gonna cry. 

So far so good friends!  I actually feel a lot better, and Em seemed a lot more calm at bedtime.  Let's just hope it keeps up for both us bc I need a really good night's sleep

Apparently I was allowing myself to feel too much, which is why I'm having a harder time with #3.  The last 2 I have just shut down.  I'm not saying I won't be crying tomorrow, but this is a start and one day at a time.
Time for some sleepytime tea and my book; gonna make some "me" time

Trying...

I don't know what it is about 5ish o'clock every night that gets me.  I went to bed last night after sobbing my eyes out and felt sooo much better.  When I woke up this morning I was exhausted, yet felt strong.  Now here it is almost 5 and I feel like I'm gonna have another really hard cry again tonight.  I don't ever remember weeping THIS much.  In fact, I didn't even know I could cry so much so many days in a row.  It was so bad last night I went to take a shower, and got as far as getting undressed before I totally broke down.  Yes, I was crying as hard as I could barely wrapped in a towel laying on the bathroom floor.  Man, I never saw THAT in the deployment brochure!

Today was the first day back to reality.  Of course I would pick the coldest/iciest day of the season to get back out there.  It really made it hard to get up at 5 am and leave the house and put on a happy strong face.  However, I do feel a tad, and the tad is a stretch, better.  When I go out in public right now though I almost feel agoraphobic.  I can't wait to get back to my little house of safety.  Everyday is a step in the right direction, right?

Everytime Tom calls I've just gotten done sobbing and just fallen asleep.  So the 2 times I've actually talked to him haven't been very exciting, and can't say I remember much of the conversation.  I feel bad for him because I'm sure he wants to hear that I'm doing just fine and going on, but I can't give him that at the moment.  I don't know how the man does it...leaving everything he has to fight a war.  I grow more and more respect for him every second.

Em's doing pretty well.  She talks about daddy, asks where he is from time to time, and even expresses when she's sad.  It's heartbreaking to me, but I'm so proud she kind of understands, and can talk about her emotions (as much as a 2 year old can).  She was just listening to one of the recorded books; a part of me wanted to cry, but then again it was so good to hear his voice filling the living room.  It seemed to brighten up the place a bit