I don't know what it is about 5ish o'clock every night that gets me. I went to bed last night after sobbing my eyes out and felt sooo much better. When I woke up this morning I was exhausted, yet felt strong. Now here it is almost 5 and I feel like I'm gonna have another really hard cry again tonight. I don't ever remember weeping THIS much. In fact, I didn't even know I could cry so much so many days in a row. It was so bad last night I went to take a shower, and got as far as getting undressed before I totally broke down. Yes, I was crying as hard as I could barely wrapped in a towel laying on the bathroom floor. Man, I never saw THAT in the deployment brochure!
Today was the first day back to reality. Of course I would pick the coldest/iciest day of the season to get back out there. It really made it hard to get up at 5 am and leave the house and put on a happy strong face. However, I do feel a tad, and the tad is a stretch, better. When I go out in public right now though I almost feel agoraphobic. I can't wait to get back to my little house of safety. Everyday is a step in the right direction, right?
Everytime Tom calls I've just gotten done sobbing and just fallen asleep. So the 2 times I've actually talked to him haven't been very exciting, and can't say I remember much of the conversation. I feel bad for him because I'm sure he wants to hear that I'm doing just fine and going on, but I can't give him that at the moment. I don't know how the man does it...leaving everything he has to fight a war. I grow more and more respect for him every second.
Em's doing pretty well. She talks about daddy, asks where he is from time to time, and even expresses when she's sad. It's heartbreaking to me, but I'm so proud she kind of understands, and can talk about her emotions (as much as a 2 year old can). She was just listening to one of the recorded books; a part of me wanted to cry, but then again it was so good to hear his voice filling the living room. It seemed to brighten up the place a bit
Evenings are definitely the worst. The time of night when it's just you and the hubby enjoying each other's company. With as hard as this has been, I honestly don't know that I can do this again.
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