It's a brownie kind of day

I was fully prepared to sit down and write a blog soon about how I think I've finally gotten into my groove of this deployment.  I was driving down the road the other day and thought, you know what I've got a handle on this, and it's only a year.  I've done this before and I can certainly do it again.  Then out of the blue, just had one of the "those days".  Everything makes me wanna cry, I don't know how I'm going to get thru this, I was super depressed all day, and a year seems SO long today.
It's like walking into a door frame.  You know its there, but somehow you just can't seem to sidestep it, and BAM! there it is.  It hurts so bad you're sure you broke something.  And just like that feeling, I know I'm gonna wake up tomorrow feeling so stupid for letting myself 1) not see this day coming eventually, and 2) let it get me down so bad, for a pain I know won't last too long.
Thats just the way deployments work for me.  I feel so strong and confident for weeks at a time, and then all of a sudden for no reason I have a bad day and I feel like I'm done for and can't go on, the days feel like weeks, and weeks like months.  Then I wake up the next day just fine and in kicking-butt form, which is how I hope I wake up tomorrow.

"Friday Night"

Im having a good day, not emotional at all, but I miss Tom so much.  This house just doesn't feel the same when he's gone.  I imagine I miss him more tonight because it's my "friday night" so I can stay up late and not have to worry about homework or getting up tomorrow morning, but what's the point?  It's also snowing and I made a big crock pot full of chili, so I just want to curl up under a blanket and snuggle with my honey.  And since it's snowing I'm willing to bet he would have had tomorrow off.  We could have spent all day playing with Em and enjoying a fire.
I really need to stop thinking about what we could be doing together, we aren't living that life right now.  The first month is just a rough trasition period getting used to him not being here at all.  It probably doesn't help I've only talked to him for about 45 mins the entire time he's been gone.  Oh well tomorrows another day right?  Em and I are gonna sit around, watch movies, eat chili with the neighbors and possibly go play in some snow, er ice pellets.

Still trying...

I decided while txting with friends that tonight I was putting a stop to the crying.  It didn't matter how sad I was tears were not leaving these eyes tonight.  People kept telling me I just needed to get it out and then I'd feel better.  Well I let it out...alot, and was still feeling like I could cry all night every night.  Wasn't working for me.  No matter what hit me tonight I wasn't gonna cry. 

So far so good friends!  I actually feel a lot better, and Em seemed a lot more calm at bedtime.  Let's just hope it keeps up for both us bc I need a really good night's sleep

Apparently I was allowing myself to feel too much, which is why I'm having a harder time with #3.  The last 2 I have just shut down.  I'm not saying I won't be crying tomorrow, but this is a start and one day at a time.
Time for some sleepytime tea and my book; gonna make some "me" time

Trying...

I don't know what it is about 5ish o'clock every night that gets me.  I went to bed last night after sobbing my eyes out and felt sooo much better.  When I woke up this morning I was exhausted, yet felt strong.  Now here it is almost 5 and I feel like I'm gonna have another really hard cry again tonight.  I don't ever remember weeping THIS much.  In fact, I didn't even know I could cry so much so many days in a row.  It was so bad last night I went to take a shower, and got as far as getting undressed before I totally broke down.  Yes, I was crying as hard as I could barely wrapped in a towel laying on the bathroom floor.  Man, I never saw THAT in the deployment brochure!

Today was the first day back to reality.  Of course I would pick the coldest/iciest day of the season to get back out there.  It really made it hard to get up at 5 am and leave the house and put on a happy strong face.  However, I do feel a tad, and the tad is a stretch, better.  When I go out in public right now though I almost feel agoraphobic.  I can't wait to get back to my little house of safety.  Everyday is a step in the right direction, right?

Everytime Tom calls I've just gotten done sobbing and just fallen asleep.  So the 2 times I've actually talked to him haven't been very exciting, and can't say I remember much of the conversation.  I feel bad for him because I'm sure he wants to hear that I'm doing just fine and going on, but I can't give him that at the moment.  I don't know how the man does it...leaving everything he has to fight a war.  I grow more and more respect for him every second.

Em's doing pretty well.  She talks about daddy, asks where he is from time to time, and even expresses when she's sad.  It's heartbreaking to me, but I'm so proud she kind of understands, and can talk about her emotions (as much as a 2 year old can).  She was just listening to one of the recorded books; a part of me wanted to cry, but then again it was so good to hear his voice filling the living room.  It seemed to brighten up the place a bit

Round 3...ding, ding

I'm gonna start this blog, I'm not sure I have all my thoughts and feelings to the surface where I can write about them, or make sense.  I'm gonna start this in hopes that everything comes pouring out of my fingers and I can deal with what I'm feeling.  If it makes no sense to you then welcome to what's going on inside my head.  I'm just going to start typing what comes to mind...

There is nothing like seeing a bunch of dads, husbands, etc stand around with guns strapped to them to make you realize where they are headed.  Until that point today for me it was almost like it was all pretend.  I mean I got that Tom was leaving for a year to Iraq, but it didn't sink in they are headed to WAR! 

I must have blocked out all these feelings from the last 2 times, because I don't remember hurting so bad in both my heart and head.  I feel like I'm carrying around all my heartache as well as Tom's and Em's.  The whole weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and start going on with my life and routine.  But then I feel bad because a part of me (my heart, or what's left of it) feels like everything should just stop until Tom gets back. Although, I know thats not what I should do, or what Tom wants me to do.

Now to the thought that no one wants to hear, say, read, or even think about but I know I have to get it out.  I'm not as scared as I have been in the past, not scared that Tom isn't coming home.  I feel so heartbroken as if I KNOW he's not coming back and I have to prepare myself for that.  I hope its just part of the process of "hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst"

I think I've had such a hard time with #3 because I'm so burnt out on this process.  I'm pretty sure I mentally prepared for 1, if not 2, deployments.  But for some reason in the back of my mind I never thought we'd get to #3.

Having a little girl to prepare for, and support during the farewell process is draining.  It was so hard to get thru an explanation without weeping.

I tried to have my catharsis cry and get it all out, but Em had a night terror and stopped that.  I could play some sappy music and start all over again but I'm too drained to cry anymore.  I got enough out to get me thru the night...and tomorrows another day.

Today feels very surreal, and having Gene Simmons there didn't help that feeling.  Like really? Did that really happen?  Did Gene Simmons from Kiss really come to the motor pool as my husband was leaving for his third tour in Iraq?  Craziness

I'm still in shock so I'm sure tomorrow there will be a part 2 to this blog, but right now that's about all I've got

The emotional stages of deployment

I found these articles very interesting so I felt the need to post them.  I can pretty much pinpoint going thru all these emotions in the last 2 deployments...and thought maybe some of my army wife friends would find it interesting, and maybe help our civilian friends understand why we are so bitchy at times :-).  And then you have to take into account that we go thru these stages atleast 2x bc of their 2 wk R&R time.  We have to get used to them being back home, then have to say good-bye all over again.

7-Stage Model

1. Anticipation of Departure
Much like the "Re-Deployment" stage in the 5 Stage Cycle, in this stage, spouses may alternately feel denial and anticipation of loss. As reality sinks in, tempers may flare as couples attempt to take care of all the items on a Family pre-deployment checklist, while striving to make time for "memorable" moments. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, Stage 1 may begin again before a couple or Family has even had time to renegotiate a shared vision of who they are after the changes from the last deployment.

2. Detachment and Withdrawal
In this stage, service members become more and more psychologically prepared for deployment, focusing on the mission and their unit. Bonding with their fellow service members is essential to unit cohesion, but this may create emotional distance within the marriage. Sadness and anger occur as couples attempt to protect themselves from the hurt of separation. In the new emotional cycles of deployment, as this stage happens more often and more frequently, marital problems may escalate. When a husband or wife must repeatedly create emotional "distance", they may gradually shut down their emotions. It may seem easier to just feel "numb" rather than sad, but the lack of emotional connection to your spouse can lead to difficulties in a marriage.

3. Emotional Disorganization
With back to back deployments, one might think that this stage of adjusting to new responsibilities and being alone would get easier. Although a military spouse may be familiar with the routine, (s)he may also be experiencing "burn-out" and fatigue from the last deployment, and feel overwhelmed at starting this stage again.

4. Recovery and Stabilization
Here, spouses realize they are fundamentally resilient and able to cope with the deployment. They develop increased confidence and a positive outlook. With back to back deployments, however, spouses may find it hard to muster the emotional strength required, but many resources are available to provide needed support.

5. Anticipation of Return
This is generally a happy and hectic time spent preparing for the return of the service member. Spouses, children and parents of the service member need to talk about realistic plans and expectations for the return and reunion.

6. Return Adjustment and Renegotiation
Like "Post-Deployment" in the 5 Stage Cycle, couples and Families must reset their expectations and renegotiate their roles during this stage. The key to successful adjustment and renegotiation is open communication. Families also need to be prepared to deal with the effects of combat stress on the returning service member. Such stress and trauma can be difficult to deal with. Troops with combat stress are often irritable, guarded, and want to be alone. Some may use increased alcohol or drugs in a failed attempt to "numb" the emotional pain they are experiencing. Attempts at renegotiation may result in increasing marital arguments.

7. Reintegration and Stabilization
This stage can take up to 6 months as the couple and Family stabilize their relationships anew. As noted with Stage 6, the presence of combat stress can severely disrupt the stabilization process. Reintegration and stabilization can hit more roadblocks when a Family must make a Permanent Change of Station (PCS) move immediately upon the return of the service member. Back to back deployments create stress as Families stabilize only to begin Stage 1 once again.

*And here is a excerpt from the other model, the 5-stage model.  It's the current stage we are in right now, and I can assure you we are going thru a lot of this personally right now.  We don't fight, because we learned how bad that is after the 1st deployment.  But we're definitely going thru the emotional withdrawl!

Pre-deployment
The onset of this stage begins with the warning order for deployment. This stage ends when the Soldier actually departs from home station. The pre-deployment timeframe is extremely variable from several weeks to more than a year.

	Stage 1. Pre-deployment Anticipation of loss vs. denial Train-up/long hours away Getting affairs in order Mental/physical distance Arguments Time frame: variable

The pre-deployment stage is characterized alternately by denial and anticipation of loss. As the departure date gets closer, spouses often ask: "You don't really have to go, do you?" Eventually, the increased field training, preparation, and long hours away from home herald the extended separation that is to come. Soldiers energetically talk more and more about the upcoming mission and their unit. This "bonding" to fellow Soldiers is essential to unit cohesion that is necessary for a safe and successful deployment. Yet, it also creates an increasing sense of emotional and physical distance for military spouses.^5,7,8 In their frustration, many spouses complain: "I wish you were gone already." It is as if their loved ones are already "psychologically deployed." As the reality of the deployment finally sinks in, the Soldier and Family try to get their affairs in order. Long "honey-do" lists are generated dealing with all manner of issues including: home repairs, security (door and window locks, burglar alarms, etc.), car maintenance, finances, tax preparation, child care plans and wills, just to name a few. At the same time, many couples strive for increased intimacy. Plans are made for the "best" Christmas, the "perfect" vacation, or the "most" romantic anniversary. In contrast, there may be some ambivalence about sexual relations: "this is it for six months, but I do not want to be that close." Fears about fidelity or marital integrity are raised or may go unspoken. Other frequently voiced concerns may include: "How will the children handle the separation? Can I cope without him/her? Will my marriage survive?" In this very busy and tumultuous time, resolving all these issues, completing the multitude of tasks or fulfilling high expectations often falls short.
A common occurrence, just prior to deployment, is for Soldiers and their spouses to have a significant argument.^5,9 For couples with a long history, this argument is readily attributed to the ebb-and-flow of marital life and therefore not taken too seriously. For younger couples, especially those experiencing an extended separation for the first time, such an argument can take on "catastrophic" proportions. Fears that the relationship is over can lead to tremendous anxiety for both Soldier and spouse. In retrospect, these arguments are most likely caused by the stress of the pending separation. From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more.^5,6
However, the impact of unresolved Family concerns can have potentially devastating consequences. From a command perspective, a worried, preoccupied Soldier is easily distracted and unable to focus on essential tasks during the critical movement of heavy military equipment. In the worst-case scenario, this can lead to a serious accident or the development of a Soldier stress casualty who is mission ineffective.^2,10,11 On the home front, significant spousal distress interferes with completing basic routines, concentrating at work, and attending to the needs of children. At worst, this can exacerbate children's fears that the parents are unable to adequately care for them or even that the Soldier will not return. Adverse reactions by children can include inconsolable crying, apathy, tantrums, and other regressive behaviors. In response, a downward spiral can develop - if not quickly checked - in which both Soldier and spouse become even more upset at the prospect of separating.
Although easier said than done, it is often helpful for military couples - in the pre-deployment stage - to discuss in detail their expectations of each other during the deployment. These expectations can include a variety of issues, to include: freedom to make independent decisions, contact with the opposite sex (fidelity), going out with friends, budgeting, child-rearing, and even how often letters or care packages will be sent. Failure to accurately communicate these and other expectations is frequently a source of misperception, distortion and hurt later on in the deployment. It is difficult at best to resolve major marital disagreements when face-to-face, let alone over six thousand miles apart.  

Numbness

Got official word today of Tom's deployment day.  It's the day I was planning on, but it's still hard to swallow.  I had my good cry, which helped a little; made me a lil less emotional.  But now all I can feel is shock. I have a sort of numbness inside me; I just want to sit in a chair and do nothing, all the while feeling very restless inside.  I can't focus on anything, so reading is out of the question.  And the time is just slipping thru my fingers.  I will think 5 mins has gone by when it's really been 2 hours.  I'm not even sure if this blog is making sense bc I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to type it, but seem to have millions of thoughts going all at the same time.  I feel like I'm in a fog.  And all I have to look forward to is an even more intense version of this the day he leaves...in a week (give or a take a day).  Tomorrow I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up and not even remember today...maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Now I have to vent:  Apparently they put out the word Friday of the date they are leaving.  Tom was with me at Em's surgery, and no one had the courtesy to call him to let him know.  Now,  I understand some of you might be thinking they were waiting to tell him bc he had enough on his plate, but I assure you that's most likely not the case.  What pisses me off even more is that his NCO even called that day to ask how the surgery went, no word of deployment.  Then he called again today to let Tom know the schedule for tomorrow, still not a word of it.  Finally right before hanging up Tom asked his NCO if they had mentioned any days and it was revealed "oh yeah we put that out Friday, you're leaving on (insert date here)".  I'm paraphrasing here of course, but its just disrespectful to me for them to be so nonchalant about the whole thing...like it doesn't really matter if we know when he's leaving or not.  I can assure you whether their families care or not about their husbands departure to a combat zone for a year, it DOES matter to me!  And if you're wondering why I haven't mentioned the date yet it's because of OPSEC and we aren't supposed to mention flight dates and times for everyone's safety.  Let's just say this though, Tom won't be here for February.